It’s time.
So, I’m sure people are aware of my romantic past, as many of posts have delved into such things. Looking back through my posts, it’s apparent that there’s one such situation that I only really talked in any detail about once, and thinking back on it, I should have realized then that something was still wrong.
I’m talking about Joanna. After all this time, I still haven’t let go. A very simple problem, but…it still hurts dammit. She did her absolute best to tear me apart, and it worked. It really did. Even to this day, I’m still feeling the effects of the things she said. I was able to ignore it when I was dating Jaylene, but since then, Joanna’s words have been festering in the back of my mind, making me not only second-guess my own emotions, but making me feel as though there was something that needed to be fixed in myself, like there was something irrevocably wrong with me.
I need to be free of this. I need to break the hold those things have on me. I am NOT hurtful. I am NOT abusive. I am worth something. I can help people. I can be a good friend. I am capable of love, and being loved.
Joanna, you were cruel and hurtful. I forgave you a long time ago, but I’ve still held on to the hope that you would somehow come back to me, and that we would be able to regain the friendship we once had. Whether or not that will happen, I have no idea. But I need to let you go. Those things you said are still hurting me, and it needs to stop now.
Funny thing is, I still have the note you wrote to try and explain why us dating probably wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I should still hang on to it, just in case I need to use it at a later date, or simply burn it and be done. If my lighter hadn’t been empty tonight, it would already be a smoldering pile of ashes. Maybe that’s a hint that I should keep it. Either way, I’m putting this all away. You haven’t been a part of my life since October of 2007. You shut me down completely for three months with a single conversation. Your words have managed to convince me that I had to prove that I wasn’t what you said.
You once said that I should have left you behind, that you would just end up lying to me and hurting me. Well, you did. You fed me a long string of lies about who I am, and because of how much I loved you and cared about you, I believed every word. You had to know that I would believe every word. I guess that’s what disgusts me the most, is that you knew that what you were saying would break me, and yet you still said those things.
It’s time to be done. I know I’ve come out of everything that happened a little better from it. Can you really, truly say the same? Have fun with your life. Mine may not be perfect, but dammit, I’m going to make the best of it.
6 months ago • 0 notes