July 1, 2011

My last post was a little whiny.

So here’s a little bit of introspection to make up for it.

So, second place…well, it’s not so bad. I mean think about it, that means you were at the very least still in the running, right? Isn’t that part of what’s important, at least having that chance to achieve a goal? Yeah, that’s how I could look at it, and probably how I should. But having a chance to claim that goal is quite different from actually achieving it. We have chances daily to do all sorts of things, but do we actually do all of them? Not necessarily, but the chance is still there. Now imagine that you’re constantly trying to achieve particular goals, and every time you think “Hey, I might actually pull something off this time!” it slips away, leaving you with a kind of empty feeling, and ultimately wondering, “Is it worth it to even give other things a shot at this point, since they’ll just be torn out of reach again and again?” and you’ll have a glimpse to a lot of what has gone on in my life.

Ultimately, this leaves me with a rather pessimistic view of my life. That doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t/don’t accomplish anything; I am an Eagle Scout, after all. But There are some parts of life that would be nice to actually be able to come in first place, instead of dragging behind and watching someone else do what I was trying to do, only much better. I know it should be incentive to try harder to excel at something, but with my pessimistic mindset it only makes me want to give up.

So, I sit at work, contemplating whether or not I might actually be coming in second place. It definitely feels like I am, but that could very well be the pessimist in me taking over. Could it be that I’m actually coming in first, and am too paranoid and worried that I’m going to fail that I see myself as failing? It’s possible. I really hope it’s only my screwed-up mind messing with me, because I’m really starting to get sick of coming in second.

My question to you, conscientious reader, is this: Should I keep with this attempt, doing my best to come in first for once, or simply give way to someone better-suited than myself?

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