So, here’s a thought for all of you out there: what is love?
(Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more….yeah, I’m tired again.)
Due to relationship-type thoughts taking up a lot of my braintime, this subject eventually came up in my mind. It made me think about what love is, and when you would know true love?
To know the true point of anything, you need a baseline, something that you can compare with. In the case of love, I am choosing NOT to use any girlfriends as an example, and instead thought of the truest love in my life: God. Think about it: the idea of loving God is simple, easy, and above all else, it feels normal, natural. So, I decided to use that as a baseline thought as to how real the love I’ve felt for others is, and had a rather interesting revelation. To illustrate this, however, we’ll go over all my past girlfriends in order.
First was Mara. Never felt any desire to say that I loved her. Moving on.
Alissa. This is where I used to draw a baseline for love, where all my comparisons went. But then I started thinking about it, and I realized something about how things went with saying “I love you”. You see, the first time saying it I was nervous and full of apprehension. This eased some when she said it back, but we still had to take time for it to ease into being normal. The only thing that gave it the illusion of being normal was the giddy “We’re in love!!” feeling that comes from such a situation. Now, when it eased into normalcy, I believe it was almost true love. It was a fairly decent comparison, but while it was normal, it didn’t start that way naturally, and thus was forced into being the norm for the relationship.
Joanna. Never said the words to her, but wanted to very badly at times. My relationship with Joanna was based on truth and perceptions of reality, which, while it led to the end of the relationship, still leads me to believe that it was our attempt at proper perception of the way we felt that kept either of us from saying those words. I have no doubt in my mind that she wanted to hear and say them as well, but it just seems proper for the guy to say it first (don’t ask me why). During the time of our relationship, I tried to use the excuse that I was afraid to say it, but in the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t say it and really mean it.
Jaylene. When I first said “I love you” to Jaylene, it was a slip-up. I had been wanting to say it, but was too afraid (and I suspect subconsciously still using the perceptions from my relationship with Joanna, which were falling) until one day I meant to whisper something in her ear to make her smile, and instead said “I love you”. While at first this may seem like it could fall under the idea of natural, since it wasn’t my intention, there was still the nervousness and apprehension attached, and the way my body and mind reacted when I first said it was indicative of said attached feelings. There was also the period of being giddy about being in love before the words fell into normalcy. However, looking back on it more objectively, it wasn’t natural, and was initially forced.
Alexa. Here’s where things get interesting, and where I had to try my hardest to stay objective. However, things here just line up too easily. The first time I said “I love you” to Alexa was before she left the first time. During that time, I consider myself to have been right in the midpoint of being recovered from Alissa and starting in on Joanna, and therefore at one of the most sound points mentally and emotionally since my dating career started. When I first said it to Alexa, there was no apprehension, no nervousness, and it was said on accident. After I said it, I realized what I had said, and instead of the slight panic like I felt with Jaylene, I felt comfort, despite the fact that she was moving. While the fact that she was moving could have been a reason for the feeling of nerves and apprehension being nonexistant (saying it to someone you may never see again could be easier than saying it to someone you will probably see the next day), when I talked to her the one time while she was gone, and then when I saw her again when she returned, I was still able to say it without any kind of problem. When I found out she was coming back, I was unsure as to whether or not I would be persuing a relationship with her, because I was still unsure of her disposition towards me, since I felt she had every right to not want to see or talk to me again. However, as is well known, we picked up right where we left off, and here we are now, in a relationship despite the distance.
While I still can’t read the future (still trying to get that trick down), and therefore can’t know if the way I feel for Alexa will eventually lead to marriage, I realized that this is the closest I’ve been. Until I realized this, there was a part of me that still wanted Jaylene or Alissa back, and even a small part that wanted me to go after another girl. Now that this realization has come, I’m more than happy knowing that, eventually, I’ll see Alexa again, and that I’m truly lucky for what I have.
I’m not here to show off my relationship. I’m merely using what I’ve been through as an example of self-analysis. I’m not here to make you question your friendships and relationships. But I’ve come to realize that some objectivity might have caused a lot of my frustration to have been relieved earlier.
I have an odd feeling that this post might case some slight annoyance, and for that I apologize. But for some reason, this train of thought hit me pretty hard. I guess I’ve been doing a little too much dwelling on the past, but isn’t the past what shapes the future?
1 year ago • Notes