Alright, I guess this is the time for my weekend at-work tumblr post. Dunno why this is becoming a regular thing (besides my work being very boring….)
Okay, so my last post stirred a few of you. It is reassuring to know that you guys and gals pay attention. Last week’s post I was…cranky. And that’s putting it lightly. What I said was what was on my mind and how I felt at that moment. And while it was pointed out to me that I’ve been distant, consider this: since breaking up with Jaylene, the only big things that have happened are my trip to California, Alexa coming back to visit (and the subsequent start of the relationship), and my moving out. Other than that, I’ve gone to work (even if exciting stuff happens here, I can’t legally tell anyone about it because I bound by confidentiality) and played video games. Real exciting, huh?
Alright, so I know I’m still sounding a bit snarky. I’m writing a lot of what’s on my mind (and remember, it’s 5:00 in the morning, my mental functions at this point are a bit wonky) while still holding some back, just in case I accidentally write something that really pisses people off. I do value my friends, but it just seems like lately my group of closer friends has been…shifting. And I don’t really know how good of a thing that is right now. A lot of stuff just coming out of nowhere from people I was really close to six months ago, and people I wasn’t very close to at that time are now the ones I actually seem to see anymore. It bugs me, because I really don’t want to drift from those I used to be pretty close to, but I like being close to other people as well. And there have been some other things that have been said to me that were….inconsiderate, considering circumstances. I didn’t say anything to avoid confrontation, and hence my leaving out any kind of detail.
Tuesday was Alexa’s first day at Basic, which is why I wsn’t feeling up to making it to church Sunday night. I would have been way too disconnected and brooding to really come away from church feeling like there was a purpose for me to be there, and I probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it. I was only awake for about four hours that day, which shows just how bad of a mood I was in. And while I’m happy for everyone finding new relationships, it paints mine in a bleak light. Sure, I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend with a great sense of humor and an amazing personality, but I haven’t seen her since early January, and I won’t see her again until, at the very least (and still quite doubtful) May. Yes, I knew that I would be put in this situation when everything with her started. But the sudden influx of relationship beginnings on the weekend before she leaves…well, that’s one of the reasons I was so cranky. I’m not saying that those in their newfound relationships should feel bad about having someone. I am happy for you. But I have my own things I’m trying to get through and sort out. My romance life has been beyond topsy-turvy the last six months, and I’m sick of hiding it or attributing it to paranoia. Making out with a few girls (only two of which I’d ever felt strong personal feeling for) probably didn’t help, at least the girls I didn’t feel that strong attachment to.
I’m sick of feeling like there’s parts of my life that need to stay hidden and secret. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not up to the standards of those that matter to me. I’m sick of feeling bad about things that I should be happy about. I’m sick of feeling like I’m always making choices that are the most difficult on my heart. But most of all, I’m sick of feeling forgotten. Not just “Oops, forgot to mention that to you” over and over, but I’m sick of sometimes wondering if I even exist. It was worse when I was living with my parents, because at least now I have my roommates. But I’m still often wondering, what am I missing out on? What is happening right now with people I used to always hang out with?
Yes, my depression is back in full force. No, I’m not going to contemplate a permanent solution, because that’s NOT a solution. But I’ve still been morose and flat-out miserable all week. And the only person to blame is myself. Yes, I could have passed up my chance with Alexa and waited for someone much closer to home. Would that have made it any better? Well, now that I think about it…no, it would have made it much worse. It would have put me in the situation of “Well damn, I’m the only single guy in my group.” And that would have set my heart and mind back a few steps, and…well, that would probably have wound up with me being the kind of person I shouldn’t be (despite part of me wanting to be that person sometimes). So you see why that probably wouldn’t have been good.
(Sidenote: I am tired. Ugh.)
So, this post wandered a lot. I would like to connect with people again, but a part of me is afraid some topics might come up, and I’ll end up saying some bitter, rude comment without thinking first, and I can almost guarantee some people would stop speaking to me, or at least get really pissed off. But hopefully this post is a little more insight to where my mind’s at, why it’s there, and why last week’s post came out the way it did.
1 year ago • 0 notes