I think everyone has songs that they hear them and associate them with certain things. A dance you had fun at, or maybe the theme to an old TV show you loved. But there are also those songs that you don’t bring up, that you avoid listening to despite them actually ebing good songs. Everyone has them, but typically for different reasons.
The main songs that come to mind for me are Open Wounds, One Real Thing, and Savior by Skillet. Both amazing songs, I will admit. But when they were suggested as possible covers, I put my foot down with a solid no, and without explanation. I don’t like explaining it; it’s a part of my past that still hurts, and quite a bit. But I think it’s about time I at least write it out somewhere.
They all come down to a single person: Joanna. Just in case you’re drawing a blank on who this is, here’s a recap: Joanna was my second girlfriend. Our relationship lasted for about seven months, and our friendship dissolved about a month and a half after we broke up. Before we dated, she was one of my closest friends, and was one of the few people that knew about my suicidal thoughts while I was going through my severe problems with depression. She had helped save my life on several occasions, and knew me better than almost anyone. After we broke up, things became a little awkward between us, and according to her, everything was my fault and mine alone. She was preying on one of my insecurities. Then one day, I went to pull her off of a friend. I was in a bad mood, and wound up pulling on her arm much harder than I intended. She avoided me the rest of the day until I left the college, at which point everything seemed fine, which left me slightly confused. Later that night she called me, accusing me of being both emotionally and physically abusive. Normally if someone were to try to say that to me, I would try to reason why they would think that and ask them for specifics. Unfortunately, Joanna’s word held more weight in my mind than anyone else’s at that point in time.
Those words broke me completely. I’ve always spoken out against abuse, both physically and emotionally, and the most important person in the world to me calls me abusive in both aspects. I didn’t function very well for the following three months, and avoided most human contact. Despite moving on to a long relationship, and being able to better maintain friendships, I’ve still never truly recovered from that, and the most apparent evidence is from the songs Savior, One Real Thing, and Open Wounds.
You see, Joanna’s e-mail was static_dreams(insert number here)@hotmail.com. This is a reference to Open Wounds, and the song always reminds me of the late nights messaging eachother, back before we were even attracted to eachother.
And Savior? That comes down to the group the two of us were a part of. There were four of us to start with: Me, Glenna, Joanna, and Maddie. We all had similar problems, and were all there to hold eachother up. Savior became one of those songs that meant something to all of us, and in reference to eachother.
One Real Thing was the song that Joanna had playing for her senior video at her church. During that time, she gave a rose to each person that had made a difference for her. Besides her parents and her pastor, the only other roses went to me and Glenna (At this point Maddie had moved away, and thus phased out of the group). Every time I hear that song, I see Joanna in her cap and gown, a smile on her face, and the thought going through my mind at the time: “No matter what, she’s staying in my life.”
It’s common knowledge that Joanna and I haven’t spoken in over three years. Even though at this point if she wanted to make amends I would be willing, those songs just bring me down to a very low point. No other songs have that strong of an effect.
I serenaded Jaylene several times with the song Swing Life away, and I still love the song. Alissa and I always considered Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls to be “our song”, but I can still hear that song and wonder “Hmm, should I sing that to Alexa when I see her next?” I loved both Alissa and Jaylene. I loved them very much. I could never bring myself to say “I love you” to Joanna. But the songs associated strongly with her are still the only songs that are painful for me to listen to.
I don’t know why this has been on my mind.I think it’s because I could never really resolve myself when it came to Joanna. Alissa at least left an opening, which in time resolved itself. And with Jaylene, we didn’t end on a sour note. Yes, I had to go out of town and act completely out-of-character from myself in order to sort myself out, but with my history of emotional stability (or lack thereof) it was a necessity, and it led up to where I’m at now, which is another story entirely. I can tell this post still hasn’t shaken the hurt that those songs bring (managed to make it through Open Wounds and Savior with minimal resistance, but couldn’t even get past the opening guitar riff to One Real Thing), but I guess it’s kind of an explanation to anyone who was wondering why, when those songs come on, I get really moody.
Blah. Long post.
(And I swear, if anyone asks for a TL;DR on this post, I will smack you.)
1 year ago • 0 notes