Pyro's Playground

I am awesome.

Indeed.

It’s done.

Well, the note has been burned.

As I stared at the smoldering ashes, I realized just how much power it had been holding over me. A few pieces of paper with words written on them, yet I’d passed up many, many chances to get rid of it. For some reason, I never could. But now….it’s done. It’s over. Joanna doesn’t have any more power over me.

I’m finally free.

It’s time.

So, I’m sure people are aware of my romantic past, as many of posts have delved into such things. Looking back through my posts, it’s apparent that there’s one such situation that I only really talked in any detail about once, and thinking back on it, I should have realized then that something was still wrong.

I’m talking about Joanna. After all this time, I still haven’t let go. A very simple problem, but…it still hurts dammit. She did her absolute best to tear me apart, and it worked. It really did. Even to this day, I’m still feeling the effects of the things she said. I was able to ignore it when I was dating Jaylene, but since then, Joanna’s words have been festering in the back of my mind, making me not only second-guess my own emotions, but making me feel as though there was something that needed to be fixed in myself, like there was something irrevocably wrong with me.

I need to be free of this. I need to break the hold those things have on me. I am NOT hurtful. I am NOT abusive. I am worth something. I can help people. I can be a good friend. I am capable of love, and being loved.

Joanna, you were cruel and hurtful. I forgave you a long time ago, but I’ve still held on to the hope that you would somehow come back to me, and that we would be able to regain the friendship we once had. Whether or not that will happen, I have no idea. But I need to let you go. Those things you said are still hurting me, and it needs to stop now.

Funny thing is, I still have the note you wrote to try and explain why us dating probably wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I should still hang on to it, just in case I need to use it at a later date, or simply burn it and be done. If my lighter hadn’t been empty tonight, it would already be a smoldering pile of ashes. Maybe that’s a hint that I should keep it. Either way, I’m putting this all away. You haven’t been a part of my life since October of 2007. You shut me down completely for three months with a single conversation. Your words have managed to convince me that I had to prove that I wasn’t what you said.

You once said that I should have left you behind, that you would just end up lying to me and hurting me. Well, you did. You fed me a long string of lies about who I am, and because of how much I loved you and cared about you, I believed every word. You had to know that I would believe every word. I guess that’s what disgusts me the most, is that you knew that what you were saying would break me, and yet you still said those things.

It’s time to be done. I know I’ve come out of everything that happened a little better from it. Can you really, truly say the same? Have fun with your life. Mine may not be perfect, but dammit, I’m going to make the best of it.

The Truth

Under a sea came up for air
Opened my eyes and heard release her 
A heady blur of charcoal white
Still needle-filled she said release her

And I went home that day she’d left by nightfall
But letting go was all I had to do

Don’t want for what you cannot have
Forgive or don’t but just release her
So I took stock and harbored down
Wandered for years then just released her

‘Cause I went home that day she’d left by nightfall
But letting go was all I had to do
I spat black and blood ‘til all the bad in me was gone
Purged of everything except the truth

Not helping me just saving you and you knew it
I know it happened I’ve got pictures that prove it
Not helping me just saving you and you knew it
You called me crazy and well yeah maybe but I know the truth

I went home that day she’d left by nightfall
But letting go was all I had to do
I spilled black and blood ‘til all the best in me was gone
Purged of everything except the truth

*facedesk*

Ugh…..

Life is like a melody, sang deep within my soul, sang deep within to me.
And all these chains that shackle me.
They won’t let me take control
They wanna take control of me.
I’ve got to rise above my life.
To find the reason I’m alive.

I’ll save myself, I’m all alone.
I’ve opened my heart to see there’s nobody home.
It’s up to me, I’m on my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the storm.
Facing the storm.

My Life is filled with your memory.
You were deep within my heart.
You were deep with inside of me.
And all this pain that I’m wrapped around.
If there’s a heaven up above,
I see the angels falling down
I’ve got to rise above my life.
To find the reason I’m alive.

I’ll save myself, I’m all alone.
I’ve opened my heart to see there’s nobody home.
It’s up to me, I’m on my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the storm.
Facing the storm.

I’ll save myself, I’m all alone.
I’ve opened my heart to see there’s nobody home.
It’s up to me, I’m own my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the storm.
Facing the storm.

My last post was a little whiny.

So here’s a little bit of introspection to make up for it.

So, second place…well, it’s not so bad. I mean think about it, that means you were at the very least still in the running, right? Isn’t that part of what’s important, at least having that chance to achieve a goal? Yeah, that’s how I could look at it, and probably how I should. But having a chance to claim that goal is quite different from actually achieving it. We have chances daily to do all sorts of things, but do we actually do all of them? Not necessarily, but the chance is still there. Now imagine that you’re constantly trying to achieve particular goals, and every time you think “Hey, I might actually pull something off this time!” it slips away, leaving you with a kind of empty feeling, and ultimately wondering, “Is it worth it to even give other things a shot at this point, since they’ll just be torn out of reach again and again?” and you’ll have a glimpse to a lot of what has gone on in my life.

Ultimately, this leaves me with a rather pessimistic view of my life. That doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t/don’t accomplish anything; I am an Eagle Scout, after all. But There are some parts of life that would be nice to actually be able to come in first place, instead of dragging behind and watching someone else do what I was trying to do, only much better. I know it should be incentive to try harder to excel at something, but with my pessimistic mindset it only makes me want to give up.

So, I sit at work, contemplating whether or not I might actually be coming in second place. It definitely feels like I am, but that could very well be the pessimist in me taking over. Could it be that I’m actually coming in first, and am too paranoid and worried that I’m going to fail that I see myself as failing? It’s possible. I really hope it’s only my screwed-up mind messing with me, because I’m really starting to get sick of coming in second.

My question to you, conscientious reader, is this: Should I keep with this attempt, doing my best to come in first for once, or simply give way to someone better-suited than myself?

Hey, remember that good mood?

Yeah, realizing I’m coming in second yet again kinda killed it.